Just some thoughts...

Gosh, I haven't blogged in almost 3 years! Nobody reads it anyway, so it doesn't really matter. It's just for me to get my thoughts out since I don't keep a journal anymore. I've been getting a bit depressed about my weight lately. A couple weeks ago I tried to go shopping for a swimsuit. I ended up in tears and eating ice cream - no swimsuit! I was looking at pictures taken this past weekend - and I'm mortified! How did I get so fat? And why can't I do something about it?

I'm supposed to lose weight - for my health. I have diabetes, and the doctor wants to increase my meds. I don't want to do that. In my mind, I can fix this if I just lose weight. But that hasn't happened, and I don't really see it happening anytime soon. I know if I only eat veggies and go to the gym for 3 hours every night I might be able to lose weight. But I can't maintain that kind of lifestyle - it's not me. I hate exercising and I like to eat. That's my problem. How do I change myself so that I can do what needs to be done for my health - physically and mentally?

I hate the fact that I can't go swimming. My grandchildren will be here soon, and I'll be wearing shorts when I take them to the beach. I'm so embarrassed. I'm embarrassed standing up in front of a room full of people to give a presentation - I know they're all looking at me and thinking about how fat I am. And the fat is making me ugly too. My face is all puffy and gravity is pulling it all downward. I look angry when I'm really not. The face on the outside is not who I am on the inside. I know there is nothing I can do about that, short of plastic surgery (which I won't do), so it depresses me even more. Sometimes I can't wait for Ray to retire so I can stop working. Then I'll be able to stay home and not have to face other people. Those kind of thoughts scare me. I don't want to become a recluse, but I'm so embarrassed about how I look. I don't want people to see me.